My dear friend, I see you struggling every day, when it feels impossible to get out of bed, when you have no strength to smile, to wave or to even feel anything. I see you trying with everything you have inside to not give up, to make it to the end of the day.I want to tell you that I see you and I am so proud; so proud of who you are, what you have accomplished so far and for the things you will in the future, because I believe. You are magic, a wee fireball of creation and sunshine, that even tho you don't feel like shining every day your passion shines through.
I love every flaw, every weakness, every piece that makes you YOU; because you are ripped at every edge but you are truly a masterpiece, you are art this world needs. Your courage, your stubbornness, your dreams and passion are what fuels others and for that I am grateful. I see you, I love you forever and always x
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And you wake up one day realising you don’t remember the last day your brain felt clear. Feels like a heavy mist has settled and won’t go away. Exhausting you, slowly swallowing a piece of you every day. It is difficult to make sense of it, to understand the why. What happened to the soul you used to be you ask yourself. When it is foggy outside we can’t see, can’t drive very well, when it is foggy on the inside, very similarly, everything gets blocked, we can’t think clearly, don’t know what to feel and for that there is just anger there. Like a ghost, just floating, slowly fading away. Feeling lost and confused. Empty! It simply feels like you are losing your mind.
Its hard to answer the question “what’s wrong?” When nothing is right Today I celebrate you, the ones who are looking in the mirror struggling to tell who is looking back at them, the ones who are exhausted but still manage to get out of bed and fight these shadows pulling them down. I am celebrating the ones who didn’t and are not giving up, the ones giving out kindness and love even though they feel empty inside. The ones who are not letting their struggles define them!! Keep standing up whenever these cold and rotten monsters take you down, keep kicking ass. Because you are worth it, you are worth happiness and knowing what a genuine smile feels like. It might be early, you might still be at the very beginning of your journey, it might seem too long, too far away, too much of a tall unreachable mountain, that recovery of yours, but one step every day, one rope at a time for your climbing, light up a candle a day until they turn into a wild fire burning inside of you.
So keep fighting my beautiful soul, keep flowering, keep growing. In Japan, when objects brake they repair them with gold and therefore the flaws are seen as unique designs of the object’s history. When you start feeling broken and full of flaws just think of how beautiful and unique your history makes you. Because my dear, “you are ripped at every edge but you are a masterpiece”!! Remember that pain is real, yes, but so is faith and your healing. So today I celebrate you, the ones whose willpower is stronger than their fear. And therefore, I wish you this: I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. (Poem by Bob Perkins) Some days are better than others, some days are worse, locking yourself in your room not being able to breathe, the heart races, your body shakes, you want to hide from the world. Voices shouting, whispering you are worthless, stupid, not enough. It feels like you are thrown in the deep end of the sea and then a storm comes, the waves are so tall and ruthless that they can take you down at the very bottom. Even though you know how to swim it all becomes too much. The water is slowly filling up your lungs and there is this burning feeling all over your body.
Your brain won’t shut up, won’t let you sleep, the never stopping toxic thoughts keep circling you, poising you, absorbing all the air. All you seek is a moment of silence. From the outside it’s easy to assume people have it all figured it out. Their hair looks good, nice looking clothes and they are smiling, therefore they have no worries. Like if you cannot see it it’s not there. But truth is they feel restless, worthless and alone. Feeling like you cannot create anything good, no art, no beauty, just chaos and misery. When you think of the future you only see it heading downhill and the fear is pushing you away, from trying, from being yourself because even if you haven’t tried the feeling and picture of failure is there screaming loser. Slowly losing control, this awful energy consumes all, crying down on your knees hoping nobody sees. We are all trying to go somewhere, we have something to reach, someone to become, our eyes are always looking at a prize, fixed at the trophy. From day one we are getting ready, working on the necessary equipment we are going to need. Never satisfied, never stopping, therefore this list keeps getting larger and larger, ticking boxes and adding more. We spend our whole lives preparing ourselves. We keep on running, building, never pleased, always craving more… more money, more power, more things, more and more and more. We pass this hunger to our kids and them to theirs. What an endless toxic cycle. Nowadays we run on gasoline and not on anything genuine.
We are constantly worrying about things we have to do, things that are coming and things that might come that we neglect what is happening at the moment and what we have achieved, created and overcome so far. We fail to see the art around us, we do not allow ourselves to take a moment and enjoy because that time would be a waste, keeping us away from the trophy. We think life is all about the future, we keep on visualizing it, planning for it. We forget about today when we are worrying about tomorrow. We are missing out on so many wonderful things happening right next to us while planning and worrying. And we never stop, that’s the thing! This worrying and planning never ends and that’s where we get lost along the way. So please, take moment and look around you. Look at your loved ones, at their smile, listen to their laughter. There are kids playing at the playground, two people having their first date at the park. A dad coming home physically and mentally exhausted from work, but when his little girl runs towards him to hug him with a smile, full of excitement on her face, all the pain and tiredness goes away. Look at your own self, do you realise how far you have come? What you have accomplished and survived so far? You are taught to keep going, never rest, to always aim higher. But have you given yourself some credit? Have you enjoyed what you have already achieved? At a hike the best feeling is when you look back/down and see how far you have come. All that sweat, all that trembling down your feet, the burn on your thighs, all the moments you were out of breath thinking you had enough but you kept going, all of this will be paid off once you look down on the wonderful view. And then YES you aim for taller more challenging peaks. But no peak, no matter how tall, is worth a thing unless YOU realise it’s worth. So take a minute and look around you! The world is bigger than the things you are worrying about today and the things you plan. Life is fleeting. Seize every moment. Yes aim higher and higher, get better, test yourself and overcome obstacles, but remember “Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans -Allen Saunders" Dear Me,
This is for you, for the ones that have lost their way somehow, that have been consumed by anxiety and cannot breathe anymore. This is for the ones experiencing more fear than joy in a day. I know that you wake up feeling disappointed, mentally exhausted, and scared. I know you had enough of this and the fear and anxiety is slowly consuming every single part of you. It is hard to remember what you came here to fight for, it is hard to get back in the same fight that knocked you down so many times already. You are drained! People telling you how you should be a good student, how you should excel in everything you do and perform with grace. How you should make everyone proud with your achievements. All this expected success builds inside you a black and cold castle that is not yours, full of foreign dreams, and you end up trapped, lost and angry, not knowing who you are and what you seek anymore. You are terrified to even try and get back up because you can see yourself failing already. The dream of you becoming a doctor, a teacher, a scientist is fading away or you start questioning yourself if it is worth the pain? Or thoughts like ‘let’s get this over with’ become your everyday motivation. You look out of the window and look at the people passing by, smiling, being with their families, friends, loved ones and you feel empty. You miss your loved ones, you miss your life back home, but most importantly, you miss you! You start wondering where is that person who started university full of excitement to become a doctor? where is that person who started that job looking forward for all there is to learn? Somehow that person lost her/his way and suddenly you find yourself back to the cell of the castle and the fear and negative thoughts consume you, your heart starts racing. You shut the curtains and go back to bed. But my dear friend, look at what you have achieved so far, look at you stepping out in the real world trying to find your purpose. Yes, things will fall apart, yes you will cry and get scared and this is totally normal. Nobody said it will be easy and it would not worth anything if it was easy. You cannot give up, you cannot settle for an easy life, you cannot fail to make yourself, that wee excited fresher, proud! You came a long way to quit. And what if you failed? What if you lost everything? What if you are back at zero? You are not defined by your mistakes and weakness but by the moments you overcome those. Remember your goals, remember the life you dream of. What does your heart desire? Go out and work for it. Give everything you got to achieve it. Let that drive and passion inside of you lead the way. Take a deep breath and work for this great life of yours. Remember that you define what great means for you. Because at end of the day, this is about you!! This is about what you are doing for yourself. P.S Keep fighting you little soldier You are at work organizing these files that need to be ready and sent to the boss before two o’clock today, you are at school really not wanting another hour of mathematics, you are at home singing to your pet and the poor soul trying not to die from your absolutely ‘wonderful’ singing. You are in bed waiting for you husband to come after he finishes work but hours have passed and you are worried.
File those documents like a pro, be good at your job whatever it is and be proud of it, sing as loud as your soul desires, smile and let yourself free, dance like nobody is watching. As much as you despise mathematics try and look at your classmates faces while your tutor is announcing a new ‘very easy’ equation on the board, I am sure their expressions will be hilarious. Your husband finished late from work and decided to go out of the way and get you some flowers and mac Donald’s because he knows how much you love junk food. The sun does not need to be shining, the sky does not need to be clear blue, even if it is raining and the sky is all grey there are so many good reasons to be happy. You have a husband who loves you and would not change you, you have friends to go on adventures with, even if these adventures are a trip to the principal’s office because you passed a funny note to your classmate during class. You are at work and even if nothing seems to be nice by simply organizing files just smile! Give it a go, everyday matters, every day is an opportunity to make something out of it, learn something new. Invite your colleagues to go out after work for some drinks, make friends, enjoy your life, you are there, you are alive and that’s something worth celebrating. It is never too late, you are never too old for the things that you want. Put a smile on that beautiful face and go out there and be you. Keep on dancing through the rain, through the dark clouds and you will see there is always a reason to smile. Yes routine does eat your life away and makes everything dull but life is all about the small things, like the cheeseburger from your husband and the detention you get to spend with your best friend while being your absolute badass selves. Keep on rocking trough these dark clouds, life is what you make it ;) We are bigger than our bodies, there is more to it, more to ourselves. Tattoos can be great storytellers, reminders of events/people, eyes to the soul, as I like to describe them. All of us have stories we will never tell. Some choose to display these stories on their body and fill that plain canvas with beautiful designs.
The journey we all have with our bodies is a continuous one, we are working on loving it every day. We are trying to make it more of our own and for some people this might mean getting a plastic surgery done, learning to live with any disability that came along or they were born with or by simply getting tattoos. There is no shame in any of these. One of these journeys is of a friend, a badass sailor named Greg, who has many tattoos on his body. I think of them as a timeline of his life's experiences so far. I was so fascinated by them that he agreed to share a few of their meanings. His lizard tattoo represents his very first meeting with his son, during which a lizard ran between them. Then his swallow (the swallows and martins are a group of passerine birds from the Hirundinidae family) drawn from sailors' knowledge as it means that they are close to home, close to seeing their loved ones. He did admit to that being a ‘sailorish’ tattoo. Lastly, his family crest that is tattooed on his chest “Fevente deo supero”, which translates to ‘by god’s favour I shall conquer’. He got this one while at war, when he was a gunner in the Middle East. Dictating people whether they should or not get a tattoo, whether or not they are going to regret them, does it not seem wrong to you? Who are these people to judge? Who are they to know what’s inside somebody’s head or how they might feel comfortable. What is frustrating are lines like ‘you are such a young and pretty girl why would you want to ruin your body?’ What people feel is right to do with their bodies and what they want to represent with it should be their decision only. Greg says “I don't view the negative things that come with tattoos as my problems. Other people’s negativity is their own personal problem. So I just keep on being me and getting tattoos as I’m old enough to know I won’t regret them and wise enough to know that if other people don't like them then that’s good as it makes it easy for me to stay away from negative people as you don't want that sort of people around you if you intend on living a positive life” As an individual, I never felt more myself, more home in my own body before I decided to start expressing my thoughts and beliefs with my body. ‘If it feels right just do it’ I always say to myself and I have never been disappointed by the outcome. Yes people will look at you in the most strange way and criticise you for your choice of tattoo, your beliefs, your own personal style. But as long as you feel good, comfortable and complete in your own flesh then no one’s negativity can touch you. And like Greg says ‘keep on being you’, go on and create more art and share it with the world. You are art, with or without tattoos. Just do you in the best possible way! Why when we are feeling blue we want to deny or hide this emotion? We never seem to encourage people to go through the full circle and face their emotions. It is okay not to be okay. It is okay to want to take the time off and go find yourself. People we fall, we go through crisis where we cannot recognise the person in the mirror looking right back at us. Scary isn’t it? Having a stranger inside of you. You start wondering how is this person’s character? What does he like and doesn’t like? You find yourself not knowing the answer to these questions or not liking the answer to these questions. Because this person might be very different from the one you used to be and all the sudden you feel tiny and powerless in front of this stranger. Nothing feels the same anymore, home is no longer home, what used to be nice and warm feels now cold. Everything is distant and lonely. Even thinking becomes frightening.
People say it is easy, all you have to do is positive thinking. But NO! Sometimes you have to face these negatives emotions, thoughts, the demons inside you and go through this dark path. Feeling trapped or suffocating is a horrible feeling and soul eating. It is not all flowers and rainbows. It is not just positive thinking. You know that you have to face this alone and it is okay to want to be left alone. It will not go away and it will follow you unless you face it. The thoughts of this darkness winning and overcoming you, will never go away unless you decide to open this little door in your mind and explore. It is intimidating to look straight into the eyes of the demons you created and brought to life yourself, yes. But who else has the key to that door but you? Everyone is scared of losing everything and everything means ‘yourself’. The most important relationship is the one with yourself and that is forever true. Deep in the forest, there was a forgotten kingdom, it was as beautiful as gold and as strong as a thousand diamonds together. Dark days came and noise took the kingdom down, all these people and their filthy mouths turned the diamonds into rocks and the beautiful gold turned into ugly copper. Poison in the air and the golden kingdom fell like a mirror into million pieces. It was locked and hidden deep in the forest away from everything.
But you see the queen was not dead. Sad and weak from the defeated face of her kingdom she swore to her people she will rise and bring the glorious golden days back. The noise in the shadows had to be taken down forever. The queen gathered her four finest worriers and blessed one of them with the golden kiss. Off the darkest and most dangerous paths of the kingdom they went, to find and defeat the shadows. The worriers went by the names, courage, hope, strength and love. Hope held the team together, courage took them into the darkest and most fearful places, strength gave the fight with the mighty shadow beast passing the golden blade through the beast’s chest. Then when the beast was in its weakest form, love stepped in purifying the beast with the golden kiss. Suddenly the shadows turned into golden rays of sunshine. The flowers start blooming, the water in the river was again clean, the beautiful kingdom rose from the shadows. Beautiful as gold and as strong as a thousand diamonds together. You see we are all constantly poisoned in our lives from what people say about us, their mouths will never stop making this noise. They will never stop spreading their poison, they won’t shut their mouths till they take us down. They are targeting your golden kingdom, your happiness. You have soldiers that will fight to protect your kingdom and when defeated you have to claim you kingdom back. You are the rightful heir of the throne and no one should sit in that throne but you. Train your soldiers well because the war is not won yet. |
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